Irrefutable proof that cats are liquids
Irrefutable proof that cats are liquids
December 8, 2013
I hate myself for doing this, but I also hate you for letting me.
This amazing woman perfectly summarizing feels.
Scene: The elderly female PATIENT with a splinter in her finger sits quietly by the procedure table. The NURSE stands nearby, pulling out some tools, as the DOCTOR CRANQUIS reaches into a nearby drawer and pulls out a CHUX PAD to spread on the procedure table.
CRANQUIS: *shakes out the CHUX PAD…
Things I wish I could see..
A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.
1. Don’t have sex.
- Abstinence is key.
2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.
- I don’t care how good he says his weed is
- he is cuckoo bananas
- and he wants you dead.
3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.
- There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance
- “Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th”
4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY. THERE.
- If the killer can’t see you or hear you WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?
- Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the easiest to break.
5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.
- Someone will always be barefoot
- Or in heels
- Or just plain clumsy
- And will sprain their ankles
- And die.
6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.
- Don’t walk around looking for people
- House of Wax, anyone?
7. Don’t be a hero.
- Unless you’re name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die.
- Hell, maybe even then.
- I mean.
8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.
- The killer is there.
- Also your dog is dead.
9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.
- The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway.
10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.
- Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck
11. Don’t go into the basement.
- They are creepy enough without you dying in one.
12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct questions about either the history of the home or the previous tenants, DO NOT MOVE IN.
- At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked.
13. Turn off the television (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.
- It is obviously your wisest choice.
- SEE ALSO: poltergeist, daughter trapped in tv because of.
14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism.
- Move very very far away
- Because there’s blood on your walls.
15. Don’t act like a detective.
- Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet.
- If you live, awesome story to tell your friend, right?
- But if you die, it is like the opposite of awesome.
16. Google the location you’ll be vacationing at.
- If more than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there.
- Issue. Solved.
17. Don’t get drunk. Or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.
- Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling.
18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.
- It is the killer.
- ALSO: laughing while saying, “Tommy, is that you in that stupid mask? Oh, I’m so-o-o-o-o scared!” is not conducive to your surviving.
- Killers are very sensitive about their disguises.
19. Don’t take a shower.
- ONLY APPLIES IF:
- It’s past midnight at the campground you and your sorority sisters are staying at or
- The lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music
AND THE LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT:
20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.
- Clearly the killer is not outside, now is he
I love this.
Look, if I ever find myself in what appears to be a horror movie situation, I’m going to don a black tanktop with maximum cleavage, acquire some very badass weapon (a supersoaker full of gasoline and a lighter will do nicely, if I can’t find a chainsaw or something quickly. Machete is also a go. As long as it’s big and ostentatious and preferably loud, explodey, or on fire) and start making horrible one-liner quips before and after everything I do. I will try my level best to drive recklessly in cool looking cars and make shit explode. If I can find a small child who is conveniently mute to carry on my shoulders and protect in a vicious mamabear fashion, all the better.
Because the easiest way to survive a horror movie is to switch genres.
Moniquill has just won the internet, everyone go home.
A classmate posted on fb that the generic name for Viagra should be mycoxaflopin, and I crack up about it every time I think about it.
Follow-up suggestion: midixadrupin. Also good, though didn’t make me LAUGH UNTIL I CRIED like mycoxaflopin.
Nobody loves good dick joke more than I do.
I always appreciate a good Viagra joke.
Medblr wang joke appreciation club.
Hey look this post is getting longer.
I’m totally immature for really enjoying this
Aside from the grammar driving me crazy….this is so true of Shonda….
Two years ago, I made a choice. And it was the wrong one. Luckily, I’m able to look back on that road and I don’t really regret it. I got to do a lot of things, to be some things I will probably never be in my lifetime, for that brief moment in time. As I look back….some things stand out. Pieces of music…Moments where I have to just reflect.
As aptly as it was chosen - by yourself no less… This One’s For You…
…. I hope one day you grow up enough to realize that you wouldn’t be feeling like you’re always putting fires out from making people angry if you actually bothered to think about your responsibilities to the people in your life, as well as how your childish choices hurt and affect them. Then again, maybe you will never figure that out, and maybe you’ll remain a bitter and angry person for the rest of your life.
I will miss the kids - they are one of the better things you’ve done, although now that isn’t even in your hands, its in your mother’s hands. I loved you - all of you - and was willing to do whatever was necessary to have a good life, its just a shame that you couldn’t get over yourself enough to see that and be willing to do the same.
Apparently I was very wrong about this song… This was never you… not even close. But I am glad that I at least know that now. The person this song is for… would never do to me any of the things you have done.
And for the record…had this relationship and engagement continued, YOU would not have been the one settling. It was never you doing the settling, and you were never the one letting go of standards to accept another person. Your definition of “settling” by never knowing if you’d ever really fixed the problem and knowing that my family will always see you for the pain you caused…isn’t settling. Its calling living up to your mistakes and choices.